


Mango Pie: A Comedy in Three Acts

by hypocorism



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Crack, M/M, Misunderstandings, Nouis-friendship, Ridiculousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-20
Updated: 2014-02-20
Packaged: 2018-01-13 04:59:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1213600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hypocorism/pseuds/hypocorism
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry, Zayn, and Liam are One Direction. Niall is their biggest fan. Louis is not.</p><p>-or-</p><p>Harry is bad at flirting and Louis is good at pointless grudges.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Act I

**Author's Note:**

> This is ridiculous from start to finish.

Louis considers himself a good person, patient even. He puts in his time babysitting, somehow locating the forbearance to read a book about singing mice (complete with tinny push-button voices) for the twentieth time in one night or to mediate a four-way fight over the television when he really just wants to dose them all with NyQuil and enjoy the blissful silence. Louis has seen trying times, he has endured. He talked a screaming Lottie down the time Phoebe 'borrowed' her lipstick to draw a picture with, for fucks sake. But Louis has quite possibly hit his limit. A One Direction meetup would try the patience of a saint.

It all started with a phone call from Niall. The first minute was mostly hollering but after Louis calmed him down enough to ascertain that no one was dead or bleeding out in the street, he discovered that one of his worst nightmares had come true. Niall had, through somewhat questionable means, obtained two tickets to a One Direction concert followed by an 'exclusive' fan meet-and-greet.

"We're going to MEET them, Louis!"

"Probably greet them as well."

"Shut up. Be excited for me!"

"Yay." Niall hangs up on him.

Still, Louis is a Good Friend. He agrees to go to the thing with Niall, who is decked out in a truly impressive amount of 1d regalia. Louis refuses the temporary tattoos, the plastic jewelry, and the themed tiara. He does agree to wear the shirt after Niall practically forces it onto his body.

The concert isn't so bad. It's long and Louis doesn't know any of the songs but Niall is enthusiastic enough for two. Or possibly seven. It's at the meetup that Louis first starts to suspect he's died and entered hell.

First of all, it's PACKED with screaming girls. Louis will never complain about one of Lottie's sleepovers again. Niall, naturally, has made about a hundred friends in the line on their way up to the boys. Louis stops talking to people after he's asked for the third time who his favorite is and can't think of a single one of their names. At least he has his phone.

They finally get to the front where two of the three band members are sitting and signing autographs.

"And what's your name?" The first one asks. Niall looks like he's having some sort of out-of-body experience with please-leave-a-message-and-I'll-get-back-to-you written all over his face.

"It's Niall," Louis says, finally.

"Is he okay?" Band boy says, with a concerned-puppy head-tilt.

"Yep." Puppy shrugs and signs his name and they move on to the next guy.

"What the hell is wrong with me! He's my favorite! I should have said he's the best I ever had while shaking my hips! I planned this!" Niall hisses. Louis gives a healthy eyeroll at this but hey, he's a good friend. While Niall is waiting to talk to the second band member, Louis ducks back to the first guy. They were the back of the line, so he's starting to get his stuff together.

"Hey," Louis says in his best flirty voice. Boy-bander freezes. "So my friend would really love a personalized message from you. Do you mind?" He bats his eyelashes a little for good measure.

"Um," he looks like a deer caught in the headlights. Louis puts the themed autograph book and pen Niall forced on him on the table, smiling harmlessly. The guy visibly swallows, though, so maybe he overshot harmless. "Sure. His name's Niall, yeah?"

"Yep." He writes for a minute or so, then looks up at Louis.

"You know, you look familiar. Do you come to a lot of our shows?" Louis fights back the urge to snap a denial. This kid seems nice enough, there's no need to trash his music (to his face).

"First one, actually."

"Hmm." He goes back to writing. "Oh." The pen stills and he turns red.

"What is it?"

"Nothing."

"What!"

"Never mind."

"Have I got something on my face?"

"No."

"Well, what is it, then?" Louis asks impatiently.

"I've just remembered where I know you from," puppy boy mutters.

"Well now I have to know." Louis doesn't think it could be anything too embarrassing. Certainly nothing to provoke this reaction.

"Um. Sugarbabes.com?" The guy whispers. What?

"What?"

"You have a profile there," boy-bander says so quietly Louis has to lean in to hear him. Louis is confused for a minute, then,

"Niall!" He shouts. The entirety of the mostly-empty room turns to look at him. Niall breaks off his conversation with elegantly-beautiful boy bander and heads back to Louis and embarrassed-puppy boy bander.

"Yeah," Niall says, still staring breathlessly at the dude.

"Did you seriously put my phone number up on a website dedicated to people searching for sugar daddies? What's your name?" he snaps at boy bander.

"Um. Liam."

"Right. Liam here is claiming he's seen my profile." Niall starts cackling. "Niall, what the hell!" It's a full minute before he calms down enough to answer. Liam looks mortified.

"You did say you want someone to buy you nice things and pay for your car."

"You are the worst friend." Louis just leaves Niall choking on his own laughter and breezes by boybander 2. One more to go and then he can go home and reevaluate the life choices he made to get stuck with Niall. Unfortunately, it's not that easy.

Apparently ten random fans have been invited to a special interactive baking class with boybander 3, and lucky lucky Louis and Niall are two of them. Louis isn't really mad enough at Niall to tank his meeting with his three heroes completely by having some sort of meltdown, but he does contemplate faking a medical emergency at this point. The bonds of friendship only go so far, surely.

Boybander 3 looks nearly as done with everything as Louis. He's got a tired smile pasted on his face but even his hair is starting to droop.

"Right, so I'm going to walk you though making brownies," he says in a slow voice.

"Which one is this?" Louis mutters to Niall.

"Harry. How do you still not know their names!?" Like he's going to learn their names. Harry is still talking and Louis wonders if it would be rude to just start the brownies. It's a BOX he doesn't need some boybander to tell him what to do.

Ten minutes later, Louis acknowledges that maybe he did need some boybander to tell him what to do. He and Niall are both covered in flour and their pan of brownies is a weird color and tastes awful. Even the seven-year-old next to them has better-looking brownies. Her beleaguered father is looking over at them like he feels even worse for them than he does for himself.

"Right," Harry says, stopping at their station. "How did you get them to turn all greenish."

"Magic," Louis smirks. Boybander doesn't even crack a smile and Louis decides to hate him.

"Whatever," he sighs, moving on to the next pan. Niall looks crushed and Louis considers poisoning the douchebag. Or force-feeding him their brownies. That would possibly have the same effect.

The rest of the meetup goes by without incident, but Niall is a little subdued afterward and calls off their evening plans to go to bed early. Stupid snobby boybanders with their weirdly stringent brownie standards. It's not like they would have killed anyone! Probably.


	2. Act II

Louis thinks he must have been a serial murderer in a past life. He has certainly done nothing in his current manifestation to deserve this. His archnemesis, perky after a no doubt blissful night of sleep on his million-thread-count sheets, shows up at the grocery store Louis works at just ten minutes before his shift ends. Louis is cranky and tired and his uniform is gross and he just wants to go home. Unfortunately, he first needs to check out a douchey boybander. With a probable fruit fetish, if the contents of his basket are any indication.

"Hi," he says with a big grin, like he doesn't crush the dreams of innocent rosy-cheeked Irish boys.

"Hi," Louis snaps back. Boybander (Harry, his brain supplies. Nooo he was doing so well at not learning their names.) looks like Louis murdered his kitten or something.

"Um, having a good day?"

"Not really." Louis could probably get in trouble for being rude to a customer. But fuck this kid, seriously. Louis is the only one allowed to be mean to Niall.

"I'm sorry," Harry says sincerely. "Would you like a banana?"

"What?"

"They're meant to boost your mood."

"What?"

"Bananas?" He looks uncertain, now. Which, is this seriously the first time his random offers of fruit have been met with confusion? Maybe. Louis guesses famous people probably get to be as weird as they want.

"I don't want a banana," Louis says sharply. He is determined to be stern, for Niall's sake. But then Harry's lip starts fucking _trembling_ like Louis rejecting his offer of fruit is the worst thing that has ever happened to him. "I'll take an apricot, though." Louis sighs. He should be stronger than this. He has four younger sisters, for fucks sake.

Harry beams at him and hands over one of the apricots before scooping up his bag of fruit and leaving.

Louis doesn't even like apricots.

\---

Harry shows up again the next day and Louis decides that if he wasn't a serial murderer in a past life, he may be about to become one. Of course Harry gets there when Louis' manager is hovering nearby. He beams and waves from the back of the line like they're very best friends from kindergarten and Louis has no choice but to wave back. He tries to make a menacing face without his manager seeing, but Harry's smile doesn't change. The next lane has a line like half the length of his but stupid Harry just stands there and waits.

"Run out of fruit already," Louis says, less snappily than he would like.

"Yeah. Had a party last night and a bunch of people took it." Louis almost laughs but Harry both looks and sounds really serious.

"Fruit thievery a big problem among the rich and famous?" Harry throws his head back and laughs like this is the funniest thing he has ever heard. Louis refuses to be proud of this.

Harry is, again, buying just fruit. Seriously this is so weird. Niall has horrible taste in music.

"See you soon, Louis," Harry says, learning forward a bit and reading off his nametag. Since his manager is still there, Louis resists the urge to flick his forehead or flip him off as he leaves. He refuses to wave goodbye.

\---

Louis is absolutely not disappointed when Harry doesn't show up at any point during his next three shifts. He hates Harry. Harry is the worst. He amuses himself at the till by thinking of diabolical revenge plots. That will teach Harry for being mean to Niall. Louis tells himself that the only reason he wants to see Harry again is to brutally destroy his life. It is definitely not because Harry has nice dimples and pretty eyes. Louis does not care about those attributes.

\---

When Louis gets home, Niall is sat on the couch with a quart of ice cream and a bottle of vodka. He's listening to some mopey song about mending things with a tight grip or something like that and singing along while swaying vaguely on the couch.

"What are you doing, Niall?"

"I think Harry's found someone."

"Who?"

"From One Direction," Niall clarifies. Louis pretends he meant Harry, who, not found someone, who.

"Oh, is he your favorite?" He knows it's Liam but Niall can't be allowed to sulk about these things. Or think that Louis cares about One Direction and their romantic lives.

"No, my favorite is Liam," Niall says gloomily.

"So, you've still got a shot, then. Why do you care about the other one?" Louis flops on the couch next to him and steals the vodka. Niall glares at him and snatches it back, pouring some in the ice cream. "That is disgusting, mate. You'll never catch Liam that way."

"I don't care." Louis gasps dramatically and Niall, finally, cracks a smile. "All right, I do care. But fuck him if he doesn't accept me the way I am. I am a beautiful swan and I deserve a prince who can see that."

"Damn straight," Louis says, high-fiving him. "So why do you think Harry's found someone?" Niall looks at him appraisingly. "Not that I care," he adds quickly. This does not, apparently, allay Niall's suspicions. Damn it.

"I knew you secretly loved One Direction!" Niall beams. "Do you want to watch the documentary? I have the special features and..."

"No thanks," Louis says quickly.

"You'll give in eventually." Unlikely. "Anyway, Harry's been tweeting all mysteriously the past couple days. You know, falling-in-love song lyrics and lots of pictures of sunsets with romantic captions on his instagram."

"How obnoxious." Niall just laughs.

"Well I'm in mourning for my friend. She's a huge Harry person. We were skyping before you came up. Skype mourning," he mutters into his ice cream. Louis takes the vodka away again. Sometimes it's hard to tell what's liquor and what's just Niall but Louis thinks he's probably had enough.

"Poor her." Louis says, not sarcastically at all. Niall sticks out his tongue. "I didn't even know you had friends who listened to One Direction. Why did I have to go to that stupid meet-up?"

"Met her there." Of course he did. "She goes to our university, actually."

"Sounds great. Well, I'm going to sleep. Don't listen to that caterwauling too loud."

"You love it," Niall yells after him. Louis slams the door

\---

Harry shows up the very next day to replenish his fruit supply. Louis is focusing so hard on not saying 'word on the street is you've got a new fling, boybander,' that he blurts out "Long time no see," without thinking. Harry goes all Christmas tree at this.

"You noticed."

"No. Whatever. Just saw we had too much fruit." _What the fuck, Louis._ Harry dimples and giggles a little at this like it's not the stupidest thing that has come out of anyone's mouth ever.

"I missed you too, Lou," Harry beams. Louis should definitely shoot him down.

"Mangoes today?" Or go with an abrupt subject change.

"Yep. I told someone I'd make a pie and it's her favorite." Probably sunset caption girl. She sounds horrible.

"That's nice of you." Harry shrugs.

"I like baking." Right. Baking. Brownie snubs. Niall sad. He hates this guy.

"Right. Have a nice day," Louis says, smiling his I-would-tell-you-to-go-fuck-yourself-if-I-didn't-have-a-service-job-to-hold-down smile. Harry stiffens and seems to get the hint, waving sadly and slumping out of the store. Louis refuses to cave. He doesn't like Harry and he doesn't want any of his dumb mango pie. He hopes he and sunset caption girl are miserable together. Fuck both of them.


	3. Act III

"Louis," Niall calls out in a sing-songy voice. "Are you ready for bro dinner?" It's what he insists on calling their monthly fancy restaraunt friend date.

"No," Louis responds, currently face-planted on his bed and sulking because he hasn't seen Harry in a few days. Niall sits on him and starts tickling because he is the worst at being sympathetic. It totally serves him right that he gets kneed in the dick for his efforts.

"That really hurt," Niall pouts.

"Whatever." That earns him a nipple pinch before Niall darts off the bed and out of range.

"Get ready. I'll be back in ten minutes and we're leaving no matter what you're wearing."

"Whatever," Louis calls as Niall heads to his own room. Niall ignores him.

Louis does, in fact, get ready. When Niall says they're going out regardless of Louis' state of undress he means it. It only took one time getting dragged to a club in sweatpants and slippers for Louis to learn his lesson.

It's right as they get their drinks that Louis spots a familiar head of curls bobbing in to the restaurant and immediately dives under the table. Niall follows him because of course he does.

"What are we doing, then?"

"Hiding," Louis whispers.

"From who?"

"Stop talking in your normal voice. You're so loud, Niall!" Louis hisses.

"Sorry," Niall stage-whispers. "Who are we hiding from?"

"No one."

"Excuse me," comes the annoyed voice of their waitress, "you can't be under the tables."

"We've got special permission," Niall says. The waitress doesn't seem to know how to respond to that.

"What? Just...are you ready to order?"

"Give us a minute, we haven't got a chance to look at the menu yet." Louis gives an annoyed sigh and comes out from under the table. Because of Louis' past-life serial-murdering transgressions, Harry is standing right behind the glaring waitress.

"Hi, Louis!" Harry smiles and waves at him like he doesn't have some mango-loving girlfriend to get home to. "Why were you under the table?"

"Niall dropped his phone."

"Did you four want to sit together?" The waiter attached to Harry asks.

"Oh," Harry looks at Louis with barely contained glee, like crashing his roommate dinner is the very best thing that has ever been invented. "Would you mind?"

"Why not," Louis says flatly. Harry deflates a little and shuffles in to their booth. Now that his worst nightmares have been realized, Louis is free to notice that Harry has an obnoxiously beautiful friend with him. Louis is pretty sure it's his bandmate (Zayn, his brain supplies helpfully and when the fuck did he learn all their names? Soon he's going to know all their star signs and favorite ice cream flavors like Niall does).

"Zayn, this is Louis and...sorry I don't know your name?"

"I'm Niall," Niall says, a bit breathlessly. Is he seriously still into this band after Harry was so rude to him? Niall has the worst taste.

"Right! You were with Louis at that meet-and-greet a couple weeks ago, right?" Which, what?

"Yeah," Niall looks thrilled to bits that Harry remembers him.

"You remember that?" Louis wants to know.

"Yeah. Well, like, when I saw you at the store, I was pretty sure I knew you from somewhere. And then I remembered your weird brownies."

"They weren't that weird!" Louis says defensively. Niall starts cackling.

"They were green, Louis!"

"Fuck off, Niall." And now Harry's laughing too. Louis decides his evening plans are to hate Harry with every atom of his being and then ruin Harry's life.

"You made your feelings about our brownies pretty clear at the time," Louis snaps. Harry stops laughing and looks a little guilty.

"I'm sorry if I upset you," he says earnestly. "I'm sure they were fine brownies." Niall is _still laughing_ like Louis isn't over here being rude to cute boys to avenge the slight on his honor.

"Well, you could be polite to your fans who waited in line for hours to meet you." Harry looks really genuinely upset now and Louis is so distracted he forgets to clarify that he wasn't including himself in 'fans.'

"Hey," Zayn says, frowning.

"No, it's okay. I'm so sorry. You're right," Harry is wringing his hands now and looking earnestly from Louis to Niall and Louis feels like maybe he overreacted a little to...everything.

"Louis, stop being a dick. Harry, it's fine, he's just cranky because he's awful at brownies and also probably needs some food." Louis pouts at that for the next few minutes, but no one except Harry seems to notice. Harry and Niall get into some stupidly involved conversation about some dumb band they both like and Louis is stuck trying to chat up the retiring beautiful one.

"So, you're the one who was looking for a sugar daddy, right?" Zayn says. So. Not so retiring.

"I was not looking for a sugar daddy," Louis snaps back, a touch too loudly. People are staring. Niall and Zayn are both laughing. Louis hates everyone. "That was Niall's fault. He put up a profile for me," he adds in a much quieter voice.

"Sure," Zayn says, amused.

\---

The evening actually turns out to be...weirdly nice, after the initial awkwardness fades. The four of them talk for long enough that the restaurant closes around them, and Louis is pretty sure Niall and Harry have not only exchanged numbers but written each other into their wills. They part with a dramatic extended hug and Louis fights the urge to snarkily remind Niall that Harry has a girlfriend.

"I'm glad we ran into you," Zayn tells Louis quietly as they're waiting for Niall and Harry.

"Yeah, it was fun." Seriously Niall is _shameless._ Louis is the only one allowed to have an unrequited crush on Harry in this friend group.

"Harry talks about you a lot. And I think he wanted a chance to make things up with your friend." Which, that is interesting enough to pull Louis' attention away from the way-too-long-for-casual-acquantances embrace that's still going on in the parking lot.

"Does he?" Louis tries to sound like he doesn't really care but Zayn does not appear to be buying it. Before he can get any more information out of Zayn, though, Niall and Harry come back over to them. "When's the wedding?" Louis snaps, in a not-jealous and totally friendly way. They both just laugh.

"Zayn, I'll race you to the cars," Niall says, bouncing up and down before taking off in a flailing run. Zayn snorts and follows him, at more of a dignified jog. Louis would be suspicious at this sudden turn of events, but sadly it is not the first time Niall has challenged a near-stranger to a race.

"Hey," Harry says, staring at him a little intensely.

"Hi."

"So. Um. Do you think you'd like to get dinner with me some time?"

"We just ate dinner."

"Right," Harry laughs a little. "I mean, like. Just us, though. Not, you know, Niall and Zayn."

"Oh," Louis pauses and Harry blushes.

"You can say no. I'm sorry. I've been like really annoying you at work, haven't I? And then I crashed your dinner and...Never mind. I'll just go." Louis grabs his arm before he can walk away.

"No. You just surprised me. Don't you have a girlfriend?"

"What?"

"You know...the mango pie girl? The instagram sunsets? The song lyrics?" Harry goes from charming-blushing to please-let-me-die-on-the-spot blushing.

"The mango pie was just a friend thing. And the other stuff was maybe...like, about you? Which, I'm coming off as so creepy, aren't I? I'm so sorry I..." which is just so ridiculous that Louis has to kiss him to shut him up.

"So, is that a yes?" Harry asks a few minutes later.

"Yes, you giant dork."

\---

"I can't believe you thought I had a girlfriend," Harry says as they're walking home from their dinner date. "I thought I was being so obvious."

"Was I supposed to just assume!?"

"I didn't really need that much fruit, Louis. I don't think anyone could actually consume that much fruit."

"I don't know! I was trying to come up with reasons to dislike you. You were mean to Niall! Sort of." Harry just laughs at this. "I still hate you."

"No you don't. You love me."

"Shut up, mango boy."


End file.
